Some talk on NiH has gotten me thinking about something I've been dealing with, with myself, so I've finally gotten around to putting some of it in words (WARNING: this will probably sound slightly, if not very, angsty) :

            I can’t figure out what it is that I’m afraid of. I’m constantly unsure of myself; I constantly feel the need to look at myself through the eyes of any other given person that I interact with. I feel the need to please everyone; whenever I see two people with what looks like a wonderful relationship or connection I try to analyze what it is that each person possesses that I don’t have that I could incorporate into my own personality that would let me connect with people in that way and share those wonderful friendships.

            What I’m forgetting – and I know it – is that I can’t use their personalities as mine, and I certainly can’t do that for everyone – I can’t be everyone; I can’t make everyone love me and I can’t be the closest of the close with everyone. I don’t know which battles to fight: either I pick the ones that I know are right, or I try to branch out because I see other nice enough people doing so and getting along just fine, or perhaps even better than me. And I know that even if I did try to take on the characteristics that I see and admire, I wouldn’t be able to replicate the relationship in exactly the same way for myself and whatever person I’m aiming to please. It just can’t be that way.

            And I know all this, but I don’t want to accept it. The trouble is, I’ve been trying so hard to be everyone and everything at once that I’ve forgotten who I am. And I’m afraid that the edges of who I think I am that I’m seeing…I’m afraid I’m not going to like me. I’m afraid that I’m not going to like who I really am, and that I’ll be forced to accept it and live with myself that way forever. And I can’t stand to be someone I don’t like forever.

            It’d be a good compromise if I could then make me the way I want me, but if I start aiming to change, I come back to the start of the cycle: I don’t know what I want to change into. And I don’t know how much I can change before it starts being what we know as ‘fake’, and I don’t trust myself to know what feels right or wrong, or what I can settle into comfortably and what I never will be able to adapt to.

            What I hate most is knowing that the me that I end up being, when I get there eventually, won’t be able to become close to everyone I want to become close to. It’ll be particularly hard when it comes to certain people who I really do want to get close to, but who don’t reciprocate my feelings. And it’s silly of me, because that’s what’s hard about life. That’s what we all have to get over – that’s the pain we have to deal with, accept, and then move on from. That’s what it’s all based on. But somehow, I convince myself that whatever other pains I endure in my life are all there is, and that this shouldn’t be this way...when actually this is it. This is really it. There’s no hiding from it; I know I’ll have to face it sooner or later.

            …Well, at least I now know what it is I’m afraid of! There, it’s out. And yes, I’m pretty cowardly that way. But it does at least remind me of one part of me that I’m sure of: I’m far too nice a person; I want to please everyone. There; that’s a pretty solid trait, right? Has both positive and negative aspects, and I’ve always had it. I tend to put on a sarcastic edge sometimes – well, a lot of the time – but I’m in the process of trying to break down that wall that I’ve built up, because I don’t like it. And I’m actually getting better.

            But even if I figure myself out on paper, my concern is in interaction with other people. You know how you can look at some people and kind of pin down their personality, their vibe, in your mind? Obviously no one’s 100% predictable, but with many people, you can pick up the general gist, and think “Oh, they’re this kind of person” – whether you do it consciously or subconsciously. Well, I can’t do that with myself. I don’t know if that’s normal or not, and I don’t know if that’s a good or bad thing – but I wish I were one of those people who has a personality that, whether or not it in itself stands out, is solid and you can feel like you do know that person, once you get close to them. However, even with my closest friends, I sometimes feel like there are parts of me they don’t know. Is that normal? Is it normal to feel so unsure? Is it normal to be so unhappy of that unsure feeling? Does everyone get that at some point, at whatever degree of intensity? Is this a real issue, or is it a stage I need to work myself through? I want to be sure of myself enough so that I can be sure that people who I get close to really are getting close to me, and not someone I’m trying in vain to mishmash together.

            I know a lot of this is a matter of confidence. But I can’t be confident about something I’m unsure of, and I can’t really fake it anymore. I’ve had this feeling for a long, long time now – on and off; sometimes more intensely than other times – and I really just want to get over it. I know it’ll come back up at certain points in life, but I know that not everyone has this at all times, and it’s got … to stop.

feeling: really rather arnnghh.

Wow. I still just can't get my head around the fact that this year is really over...I think it's because, for once, I haven't been anticipating every single little thing and agonizing and building apprehension for everything. It's good, in a way- this way I don't go crazy and have my emotions shaken around every time the slightest little thing happens or changes- but I kind of miss feeling everything about 100x more than I should because of my super-sensitivity. It's such a weird feeling...I don't know how to get back to normal!

And, moving on from the enigmatic rambles...just got done with a voice recital...the room was really, really dry and my throat was already hurting to begin with so I didn't sing nearly as well as I can/should have, meh. And I definitely made a very obvious mistake by coming in too early in my sister's and my duet, and pretty much from then on I had this "Oops!" grin on my face, which my parents so amusedly have on camera now. (If they try to whip that video out at a family gathering I'll be pretty irritated, though.) Oh, what else, what else...oh yeah- I wish I could feel what it's like to be able to play piano like Jerry Lee Lewis. :-P The guy is seriously incredible, especially for his age; you gotta have a lot of fuel to keep going at 70! I got some sound clips (shhwhatofcourseit'snotillegal!) on my phone, but can't figure out how to upload them to my computer, hmmmm. Will fiddle with it some more later.

Oh, and the opera tonight, as it turns out, is going to be in the Luxembourg gardens, not the Palais Garnier...outdoor opera, woohoo! Only other one I've seen outside was La Boheme in this really pretty little amphitheater-type place in Sicily; that one was great. I really want to go see a Shakespeare play outdoors, though, you know how they do them in...I want to say Central Park?...in NY. Ah, culture; it's been a while.
:-P

And- big news, shocker!- the South Beach diet actually does (moderately) work! I mean, I've cheated a few times- like yesterday after my last exam someone was walking down the hallway with a plate of blondies with chocolate chips that were still really warm from being cooked and it was just TOO perfect to resist (besides, it was an exam reward, so shush!)- but I've stuck to it pretty well and was shocked to find, this morning, that I'd actually lost a few pounds. Cooooool. It's just weird, for me, to actually see a difference...for so long I've kept wanting to change something but I never had the self-discipline or time or whatever to actually do something and keep it up. So hurrah! It turns out I do have some control after all! Good to know.

More awesomeness derives from the plan for my bday: we're going to take a train up to a beach not too far from here and pretty much hang. :) It'll be nice, though, considering how freakin' hot it's been. Though, I've been getting really frustrated with organizing it- to make a long story short, there's this girl in our 'group' of friends (we're a little more disbanded this year than we were last) who is basically very opinionated, loud-mouthed, fun at times but EXTREMELY controlling over groups of friends and she dominates plans whenever possible. And she's just annoying. And really rude to pretty much everyone except people who she has the slightest tinge of respect for...but even then she's still pretty much a bitch. ANYWAY. So I've been talking about this beach plan literally since before Christmas break; ever since I found out there was no school on the day of my birthday, and it's the day before the last day of school, etc, etc. Everyone I'm friends/friendly with has heard me talking about it, and a while back I started to say officially "Don't make plans, I want us all to do something". Now, this wasn't a problem for anyone except Ms. There-Is-No-Plan-Unless-I-Will-It. Thing is, another one of my really close friends is having an end-of-year party of her own the night before my birthday (Monday night), and some people are going to spend the night at her house etc- but even so, she's all for the beach plan, and besides, it's not like I'm making people wake up early the morning after a party just to hang out for the hell of it, y'know? Anyway, so when I asked her, the girl was like "Well, I'm going to Elissa's the night before".
Me: "Um, yeah, so am I." What's your pooooint? You just try to make that the excuse. Go on, DO IT.
Her: "Well, you know, we might be tired after it and stuff."
So I was pretty much about ready to wring her neck. Honestly, it's not just because I'm very sensitive and take things more personally than most people- that's just- not- right. Everyone's known about this, and the hostess of the party herself is going for it. And, not to sound like an attention-hogging brat, but it's my birthday, after all- and sixteenth, no less. I mean- please tell me I have a point here??!
So then apparently she talked to some of our other friends and now is asking her mom if she can go now that she's found out everyone else is going. Raaaaaaaaahhhshemakesmesoangry.

Wow, that was crazy long; I'll shut up now. Dinner guests coming soon, then off to the Magic Flute! (By the way, did anyone ever see the crappy animated "Magic Flute" movie that was supposedly the same story? That was...baaaaad. Heh.)

This has certainly been an...emotional and interesting weekend. It was wonderful seeing all my dad's side of the family again, but it wasn't exactly under the most cheerful circumstances (the grandma's memorial service). Weird thing was, this time I didn't feel so completely weirded out with everyone crying and whatnot- besides the fact that I was too, somehow, I was thinking about...well, everything...all over again, and I guess something just clicked- because all of a sudden things don't seem so difficult and unmanageable. I know this feeling isn't going to remain full-blown every minute of my life, but, cheesy as this all is (what can you expect? I live for the cheese), whatever I 'discovered' about life, or who knows what, is something I know I'll be able to come back to. For the first time I'm not feeling quite so confused and frustrated and lost about it all. There's still WAY a lot that I don't understand, but I'm feeling a little more chill about it.

There! That probably made no sense to anyone but me, but had to get that little ramble out. Anywho.

A few minutes ago I was debating furiously in my mind whether or not I should do something extremely unusual/unexpected/kind of wacko for my standards (and stupid, too) by just grabbing the scissors and chopping off a good few inches of hair at the front left side of my face. On the one hand, it *would* look cool. On the other hand, 1) I'd probably be in tears by the end of the evening and regretting it because of my messy cutting and its not being the way I wanted it; and 2) I've long been indecisive about whether to go all-out short choppy hair or long untamed-ish hair. (Tells you a lot about me- I honestly can't make up my mind about the simplest things; I mean, hair grows back, for flip's sake!) I'm kind of thinking no, now, in case I regret it- I've had some VERY bad experiences with hair in the past- but someone give me some new pro's and con's to weigh over again...I kind of want to do it, just for the sake of 1) exercising my urge to be impulsive and 2) to mark the change I'm going to try to make in liiiiiiife, refer to paragraph 1. of this post. Wheee. I'm like my own really, really bad movie. XD

Aren't I the lazy one on here!

Well. Things have been suddenly really calm around here...the play ended, and the heaploads of work suddenly drizzled off, and it's like the calm before the storm of exams. Gah. Not really looking forward to that. I'm actually really worrying more than usual, seeing as I haven't been paying ANY attention in Algebra II or French, and both are subjects that I tend not to have a natural...'talent' for. :-P

Anyways. Today was surprisingly nice: I have basically no work tonight, and in PE (I'm going to be SO glad to be done with that next year!), basically no one in our class can pitch, and the wind is always acting up during that block for some miraculous reason, so the ball'd go way off and we all got to walk every single base. :D I'm really not one for sports, so I'm really fine just standing and doing nothing (even though it's been FLIPPING FREEZING whatthehellthisis*not*Mayweather). And I spent lunch with my friend Elissa- who's the kind of person who'll stay up til four in the morning on a school night for no particular reason and be in a great mood the next morning, then miss days just to hang out with her brother and sister- eating this weirdly good soup from the caf(eteria) while she explained this revelation she had while watching a documentary on the connection between Jesus Christ and Buddhism on the History channel or something at like 3 AM. It was actually a surprisingly in-depth chat, considering we were sitting at a table between two groups of guys throwing ketchup at each other and whatnot. It's little things like that that make me unexpectedly grateful for what I have. *cheese!* But seriously. Those moments have been kind of rare lately. :S

AND, I've gotten over my haughty perfectionist self and started to write out the story that, in my head, has been my baby since August. Sad that I'm starting so late, yes, but hey. It might actually go somewhere now (knock on wood)! (-It's weird, I never used to believe in/do the knock-on-wood thing, but although I'm not superstitious, it makes me feel oddly comforted. I swear it's OCD; I really think I have minor traces of it.)

To end on a cheery note, I think I will actually go try to get some writing done now, since I have nothing else to do. (Watch me go completely waste my evening on the 'net, though...glarg. I have no self-control, really. It's shameful.) Ta!

--Edit-- Oh, oh, almost forgot: Eric Clapton concert Sunday night!! It was AWESOME. (Though I almost didn't recognize "Layla" since I'm so used to the unplugged version, and he went electric that night.) I went with Elissa and a few of her friends from the British school, and our friend Sorina, and we had standing tickets, so before it started we did our best to squeeze through the crowd as close as possible. Unfortunately, some grumpy guy we were trying to smush past kind of came to once our person-train was halfway past him, so me and Elissa and Sorina got stuck about three 'rows' of people behind Georgie and Ollie and others. Sniff. But hey. The opening guy was pretty good, too, actually- can't remember his name; will have to look it up later. Then EC came on and we were all jumping around (and though most of the people around us were moving etc, we seemed to have gotten stuck in a particularly tame part of the crowd, who were content just to stand stock-still and listen, the boring lumps)- though it was kind of hard to see him over everyone's heads. But hey. (They had those big screens on the side, too, which helped.)
The only thing we were bummed about was that he didn't sing "Tears in Heaven", le sigh. But overall, it was pure AWESOME. XD

I *am* still alive on this thing, really! Ah, you can't be rid of me so easily.
As a quick follow-up from the last entry, we're going to go to Arizona from Thursday, June 1st to Monday the 5th for Grams' memorial service...it'll be nice to be with everyone, but not such a great occasion to catch up, y'know?
Well. Anyway. I'll catch up on the show: it...was...AWESOME. I'd forgotten how great it is to be onstage, no matter what the show or who the people- though I have to say, I'm really going to miss everyone I was working with...a lot of them (most, hopefully?) will be trying out for more shows at the theater there, since they're staying in Paris, but all the same- as with anything, there'll be people who leave and new ones who come and it won't be quite the same. I always get post-production blues after shows end. :(
The shows themselves went well- apart from my forgetting a tiny line near the beginning on the first night (1. for that, I completely forgive Nick for his line mess-ups; I was totally in the wrong; and 2. come on, though; we were the first duet/non-group song of the show, so give me some nervous-credit!), it was great. Though my parents/my friend Sorina, who came both nights, as well as the director Eddie, said I was closer to the microphone the second night so you could actually...y'know...hear me. Heh. (I've always had volume problems.)
But wow, it already seems so long ago, and it wasn't even a week ago...excuse my incoherency and repetitiveness; thinking about it is still bumming me out. :-P

Onto other things. My sister's all done with her IB exams, so she left to see her boyfriend/friends back in Milan on Wednesday...it's going to be really, really weird when she's gone for college next year. It'll be weird seeing what it's like to be an 'only child' of sorts- kind of nice, probably, not to be known as "Julia's little sister" around school etc. anymore- but all the same, despite our bickering and the occasional slap-fest or food fight, I *will* miss her. (*cue cheesy music*) But really!

Alright, so apparently I'm unable to write normally at this time of night...which actually isn't late, but I haven't been getting much sleep (aaaaas usual). :-P But my point WAS, many many words ago, that I'm going to be staying with Sorina this weekend since my sister's out of town and my parents are going to Prague for their 25th anniversary (woah, Spelling Bee just jumped into my head...all I said was '25th'!), so there will be a severe lack of posting on NiH and writing. Bummer this happens just when I get this amazing plot and urge to write it out; go figure. But Sorina and I are planning a Lost marathon so I can finish Season 1 and move onto Season 2 and FINALLY know what everyone's talking about... ^_^

G'nite!

(Oh, by the by, my right hand is still trying to get back at me for catching my fall with it last night. Hmmph. Might have to sleep with the iced wine-cooler cover again.)

So...opening show is tonight...and I got home from school to find out that my grandmother just died. I honestly have no idea what to do..

It's strange; you'll hear someone say the same thing- a grandparent died- and you say "Oh, I'm so sorry", and even while you do, unless it's someone really close to you, you don't really stop and think it all through- like how much is going to change for them. Especially after hearing about people dying every day on the news etc., thousands upon thousands of deaths- you don't really understand how it is on a personal level... It's just SO MUCH DIFFERENT when it happens to you. Seems obvious, but it kind of took me by surprise.

I can't even imagine how my dad must be feeling. Or any of the other family even closer to her. It's like...her whole life is just...over. It's scary the way it happens- I saw her just a few weeks ago over spring break. I can't believe this is- it.

They're going to have a memorial service in a few weeks when everyone can come, since one of my cousins is still taking finals in college, so we'll be flying out to Arizona then...I just, wow.

Wow.

Alrighty...the performance is tomorrow night, and I'm kind of getting nervous because 1) my voice is still iffy on my song and 2) in the run-through last night my, ahem, "acting partner" kind of screwed up the phrasing of his line so that mine no longer made sense. Observe:

-Actual Version-
Him: "Just look at them. None of them want to be here, but they're all afraid that if they don't come, they'll miss something."
Me: "Or that everyone will gossip about them."
etc.

-Last Night's Version-
Him: "Just look at them. ...Um- oh, shit- Oh- They don't want to be here- uh- all they want is...not to miss anything."
Me: "... ... ... ... .......or that everyone will gossip about them??"

Granted, I could have fixed mine around as well so that it made sense, but it just kinda took me by surprise. But tonight I shall be prepared for the worst-- change the line! Make up a new line! Mumble through the line! Impromptu choreography! NO choreography! Lip-sync the song! MIME the song!... etc.

Et voila. I got a ride home with a friend so I had a bit more time to get my costume ready (I actually didn't quite know how it was going to come together until this afternoon- what luck, eh?), and now I am ready for full-blown French Maid-ishness. But not quite as extreme as the picture someone posted as Maulden's TCB outfit, fortunately...but I have the black skirt and white shirt and dark leggerthings, and shoes that I'm afraid may be extremely awkward to dance in. Ah well.

Mmkay, leaving in 15, gotta make sure I'm not leaving any limbs or vocal chords around the house so I don't forget them for El Dress Rehearsal. Gaarrllaaarrrghh. Ta!

Wow, today has been really long...and cold, which is annoying, 'cause it had just started to get really warm and I'd thought the ice had thawed over Narnia at last. (Btw, I watched the new Narnia for the first time two days ago- sogood! All the kids were absolutely perfect for their parts. But more on that later.) But no, no...the clouds above Paris wanted to make us appreciate the nice weather more than we already do, so it rained like crazy last night and today. Blech.

But now I must go on to give my Social Studies teacher an honorable mention for brightening up the day with his impression of the use of sarcasm in leaders' speeches: "IMMIGRANTS!... ... ... ...YEEEEEAH!..." So thank you, Mr. Semaan!

Other than that- rehearsal was shockingly fun tonight. First of all, I got the schedule wrong and ended up in the practice room at LePecq at 7 pm instead of St. Germain at 8 pm (no, that wasn't the fun part exactly)- but at least two other people were there as well, Tracy (who's a guy- that must be annoying for him at times) and Clare. So Clare drove us over to St. Germain, but we were still really early so we sat in a cafe and talked about how much the French internet/TV service "Noos" sucks. (It really does.) And how annoying all service people are on their phone hotlines. Needless to say, that got us through forty minutes no problem and we headed up to the practice room where we rehearsed our two big group numbers so many times I lost count. ^_^

The final big group number is the Cole Porter song "Blow Gabriel"- and that, as you may imagine, has had some pretty...terrible...jokes to do with its name and parts of the song/choreography...yes. Well. Won't get into that now. And of course it's the big finale, so our director Eddy was doing his imitation of a "PRAISE JAYZUS!" tribal dance and kept yelling it out throughout the song, which got us all worked up so we couldn't remember anything properly and we basically just stood there laughing and snorting. S'all about productivity, kids! :-P

Okay. To bed. My limbs almost went on strike this morning out of lack of sleep.

Okay! I'm going to keep fiddling with this but it's fine for now. Coo'.

Well, this is the 2879846239th night I'm up 45+ mins later than I said I'd go to bed and actually could have gone to bed...but it actually doesn't matter quite as much going back to school after a weekend when pretty much everyone looks like they've been dead for the past two or three days. (We had Monday off for the French Victory day; the French love having days off for anything, including, ironically, old Catholic occasions that no one even really observes as a holy thing anymore.)

Honestly though, if I can get through this week alive, I can get through anything. That is to say, if I can stand my French teacher and her 'table ronde' Voltaire vs. Rousseau discussions, rehearsals full of "Soandso-shut-up-and-stop-being-an-idiot" and then subsequently Soandso-being-an-idiot, and a Theater trip to a Peking Opera workshop with Mr. High-and-mighty-and-antisocial...then I'm good! Yes, I know I agreed somewhere on the NiH forums that I'd stop whining, but look, I've gotten it out of my system in one relatively short paragraph! What a start on LJ.

Alright, now I suppose I'll go tell people I'm going to bed and then try to get some more writing done. I'm actually getting pretty excited about what I've started recently, even if the main reason I've been reluctant to start writing much until now is 'cause I couldn't think of a good name for my MC. Though I'm still not quite happy with it...shall go browse around baby-name websites and my bookshelf (that, I'm happy to note, is still alphabetized from when I did it in my major room cleaning/renovation project over Christmas break...shut up, what do you mean that's pathetic?!). :-P

(...all for the sake of LJ, because someone'd already used "the nightingale". ^_^)

Alors, here 'tis! It's actually probably not the best idea since it'll just be one more place to spew out my incessant rants and tangential rambling, but God knows everyone needs a place to let it all out. In light of that, I'll probably be back on tonight in an hour or so to continue...and someone really needs to tell me how to work this thing. I'm not quite sure how I changed the layout, or how to ever change it again.